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The Wedding Bell Blues
Before Jill became engaged she was quite the beauty and she didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it.
"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry," Jill told him.
"Really?" said Jack. "And just how many men are you intending to marry?"
Olive Oil Treatment
Trying to control her dry hair, a woman treated her scalp with olive oil before washing it.
Worried that the oil might leave an odor, she washed my hair several times.
That night when she went to bed, she leaned over to her husband and asked, "Do I smell like olive oil?"
"No," he said, sniffing her. "Do I smell like Popeye?"
The Spare Key
One cold day in November I rushed out of the house, forgetting my keys, and found myself locked out. There was nothing I could do but wait for my husband to come home. I went over to a neighbor who was outside raking leaves.
"You locked yourself out?" he asked.
I said, "Yeah, this is the second time since we moved in. After the first time we took an extra key and put it in a jar, then stuck it in a potted plant on the deck."
"So what's the problem?" asked the neighbor.
I replied, "We took the plants in for the winter."
A Square to Spare?
A guy is in a public restroom. He soon discovers that there is no toilet paper on the roll. He calls into the next stall, "Do you have any toilet paper in there?"
"No," comes the reply.
"Do you have any newspaper?" he asks.
"Sorry!" is the next reply.
"Ummm, do you have two fives for a ten?"
Boss Of The House
One evening a preschooler, Krystal, and her parents were sitting on the couch chatting.
Krystal asked, "Daddy, you're the boss of the house, right?"
Her father proudly replied, "Yes, I am the boss of the house."
Krystal quickly added, "Cause Mommy put you in charge, right?"
Wallpapering
A blonde decided to decorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need but she knew that her blonde friend next door had recently done the same job and that the two rooms were identical in size.
"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten," said Buffy.
So the blonde bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but had 2 rolls left over.
"Buffy," she said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"
"Yes," said Buffy. "So did I."
Things Mom Taught Me
My mother taught me LOGIC -
"Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me about STAMINA -
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -
"If you're going to kill each other, take it outside. I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION -
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet!"
My Mother taught me ESP -
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me about GENETICS -
"You're JUST like your father!"
My mother taught me about HAVING FUN -
"Click Here For a Good Time!"
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
One Poultry Joke
A butcher who was having a particularly rough day at work proudly flipped his last chicken onto the scale and weighed it. "That'll be $6.35," he told the customer.
"That really is a little too small," said the woman. "Don't you have anything a bit larger?"
Realizing that he was down to his last chicken, but not wishing to lose the sale, he returned to the freezer, paused for a moment, then took the same chicken back to the counter.
"This one," he said faintly, "will be $6.95."
The woman paused for a moment, then said, "I know what. I'll take both of them."
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